I make no secret of my admiration for cartoonist/artist Kyle Baker. And while I have not seen Frank Miller’s The Spirit, and I’m not sure I ever will, I still have to appreciate the finer nuances of Baker’s recently posted movie review. It’s too long to even excerpt here, so click the link and head over there quick-soon.
Kyle Baker Reviews The Spirit
For someone who never actually owned an original NES (one of the very, very few games systems I never owned), I sure do love me some badly written/translated NES Quotes. One of the best compendiums of said quotes can be found by clicking here. Be warned: some are seriously not funny, but enough are to make it worth your while.
Mattel, in an effort to raise money for children’s AIDS charities, is auctioning off this absolutely brilliant take on Pixar’s Mater from the movie Cars. Just in time for Halloween, too! While I’m happy to see this effort raising money for kids, I really wish they’d mass market these.
It’s not like Eric Powell’s The Goon is ready for mainstream success…yet! But, the fact that Jones Sodas is…even in a limited way….producing these Goon-themed drinks for Halloween suggests mainstream success for Powell’s character may not be far away.
So, how do you feel about the latest indie darling becoming a star? Let us know.
The funniest thing about this isn’t the tag line (which, you know, is at least moderately funny). It’s the GIGANTIC frackin’ teeth flying away from poor Brucie’s victim. Somebody call an orthodontist – stat!
In a surreal, serendipitous moment while traveling about 10 years ago, I found myself (completely by accident) in Metropolis, IL. We were just looking for a good place to stretch and refuel. Little did any of us know that we had arrived in the official (as official as such a thing can be, I suppose) home of Superman. When we happened upon it, the town seemed all but abandoned, except for a large Superman statue in the middle of town square, and an open Superman museum.
So imagine my surprise when I happened on a recent story about Metropolis’ attempt to break the Guinness World Record for most people dressed as Superman at one time. And you thought something like this could only happen at Comic Con?
Sure, there are some comics out today that are pretty darn awful, but none compare to the masterful mucus that was Marvel’s Secret Wars II. Now that my generation is getting older and beginning to wax nostalgic, it’s good to know that there are still those out there who know crap when they see it. Thus, I share with you the following poetic profundity from iFanboy’s Jim Mroczkowski:
Ode to the Beyonder
When Reagan reigned, and days were spent on
heroes bold and caped and booted,
naively, I lost every cent on
drudgery that came jumpsuited.
Once, comic books were "done-in-one"… and then came nineteen eighty-four
when someone said "team-ups are fun!" and Marvel threw a Secret War.
The series bounded off the shelves
like Diet Meth; everyone bought ‘er.
Marvel schemed amongst themselves
like chum had been hurled in the water.
A sequel was announced and hatched
as ink dried on the final issue,
but Wars’ success would go unmatched;
II was so bad, I’d need a tissue.
Jim Shooter took the writing reins,
but he was also Marvel’s boss
so editors could take no pains
to stop his crazy mishegoss.
He thought the sequel’s crux should be to
bring here to Earth part I’s "Big Bad";
In hindsight, surely even he knew
the worst idea he’d ever had.
The villain, see, was the Beyonder,
a walking, talking universe.
Embodied newly, he’d… just wander;
oh wait, friend, it gets so much worse.
He had been All where he was from;
we’d piqued his curiosity.
He was omnipotent but dumb
when it came to humanity.
So he left his universe… of… Him
and came here, human yet divine.
All-knowing, yet profoundly dim.
(Think you’re confused? Man, I was nine.)
And oh!, his clothes! My God, that coif!
That nest of jheri-curly fuzz!…
He looked a bit like Hasselhoff
before I knew just who that was.
So, childlike, this godlike zero,
dressed like Michael Jackson’s double,
went to visit every hero
who, in turn, said, "Thiiis is trouble."
He’d screw with them if left unheeded
like last time they were around him.
This was the last thing that they needed;
Clearly, they would have to pound him.
But here’s the thing, though: he was God.
Use all the might you can exert!
Do all you want to smash that bod!
He doesn’t care, Hulk; he can’t hurt.
Page after page, heroes are sent
To punch and stab him, even though
They know he is omnipotent.
He walks away. They let him go.
So: X-Men trying to kill Jesus.
Does that sound like effective drama?
Each issue, they’d attack and he jus’
talked at them like the Dalai Lama.
"So ponderous! So plodding! Tell me,
why’s Baddie the star of the book?
The cast’s so big, and yet you sell me
a roadside wreck; I have to look."
And then, to make the readers buy in
(because the first one went so well)
they made all books they published tie in;
they’d cross-promote this thing to hell.
He stopped by thirty other comics.
X-Men! Spidey! The New Mutants!
Less artistry, more economics.
Character? More like pollutant.
Dazzler got a little visit
where, I think, he tried to shag her
(Sure, that sounds risque, but is it?:
he shot smack with Cloak & Dagger.)
Let Phoenix "kill" him in a fight,
then he decided just to fake it.
He gave Daredevil back his sight;
Daredevil opted not to take it (!)
Had soul food with Luke Cage and got the check (kind of) cuz he insisted.
Popped up in ROM and Micronauts,
books which, apparently, existed.
(Did Shooter’s workers have a laugh?
Read the tie-ins now, and ponder:
is his disgruntled writing staff
writing him as the Beyonder?)
Then, finally, he had to die
though, lamely, ’twas by his own hand.
By then, my piggy bank was dry;
like him, I wished to understand.
History is unforgiving
to the second Secret War
but its legacy keeps living
every summer at your store.
And though the tie-ins break your heart,
and though the story may nonplus,
as long as there is ink for art
there’ll always be an Omnibus.
